Shrinking the Growing Balls Controversy

Super Bowl FootballWe need to get this deflate gate conspiracy sorted out once and for all. What we need is the complete and total skinny on who knew what and when they knew it. We ought to be busting the balls of the ball boys and get the equipment managers under the hot lights about this because right about now, considering the global warming of the economy, no issue is more important.

Ancient Aliens Hair Dude before eating fruitcake
Ancient Aliens Hair Dude


Therefore I talked to a few key experts who no one, for some reason, has thought it worthwhile to interview. I got a few intriguing insights from the Hair Dude (if you’re going to interview John Madden about this, why not have the balls to interview the Hair Dude, huh?).

The Geezer: We’re here with the Hair Dude at his palatial estate on the upper east side of Saturn. Thanks for your time and the opportunity to drill down on this vitally important topic which influences just about every other issue in the known universe.

The Hair Dude: You’re so welcome. Anything I can do to help move this mystery forward I’m happy to–whoa, did you just see that?

The Geezer: What?

The Hair Dude: Just now on the south wall of my palatial estate there was an image of a testicle, whoops, I mean a ball, superimposed on the oil painting of the Nazca lines I commissioned by the spirit of Pablo Picasso.

The Geezer: Wow! That must mean…

The Hair Dude: Yep. The long sought after explanation for the “frozen rope” long ball pass is finally explained.

The Geezer: And could there be a connection, and I mean any connection at all, with the Ancient Aliens?

The Hair Dude: It’s beyond doubt.

Well, I’m not one to settle for just anyone’s opinion, even the Hair Dude’s. I touched base with Erich von Daniken as well and he told me that, while he never implied that Brady’s balls were connected with aliens who probably fired up their chariots by turning serpents into Bic lighters, he was not shy about broaching the issue for consideration by anyone with an open mind.

And there you go. See the connection between flicking your ball in a forward pass and flicking your Bic? I can’t believe CNN hasn’t touched this.

Don’t try to tell me you can inspect the classic Bigfoot video and not discern that Sasquatch’s breasts (C’mon man, everybody knows it’s a female!) are actually two deflated balls. If you can’t see that with your own two eyes which are attached to the brain, by the way, through the lateral geniculate nuclei, then I simply cannot help you–nor can I explain to you why I just barely made it through my anatomy class in medical school.

But I realize it takes genius to comprehend the connections in the universe. That’s why I arranged for the Ghost Adventures crew to be locked down in Gillette stadium the night after the AFC championship game. Their commentary speaks volumes based on the evidence from their state-of-the-art video recording equipment:

Zak Bagans: BLEEP! What the bleep was that?

Aaron Goodwin: Holy balls Bro! Bleepbleepthebleep!!

Need I say more? Has anyone bothered to tear themselves away from the threatened physician shortage, the regulatory capture of doctors, the U.S. Supreme Court hearings on the Affordable Care Act relating to what consumers can and can’t do as far as qualifying for tax credits under the healthcare law, ISIS terrorism, Ebola, and other fluff so that this absolutely jugular growing balls controversy can be met with the testicular fortitude it deserves?

No, because that would take balls, ladies and gentlemen.

I have wondered just how long it would take before somebody around here finally got their hands on their balls and found the gonads to stand up to the conspirators hiding what goes on in the shadows amongst the ballboys, equipment managers, quarterbacks, coaches, and ballpark soda hawkers (ICE COLD Dr. Pepper here!!) when it comes to the topic only whispered about in locker rooms in the middle of the night–smaller balls and how this plays into the  brainwashing of NFL players all over this country, making them more and more like little spermies, wiggling their way through the tortuous fallopian tube of the entertainment industry up to the only ball that really matters, upon which is written in golden letters “Just win, baby” –and by the way, what about the cheerleaders?

What secrets about the balls do they harbor in their inflated–err–hearts? Has anyone had the balls to ask?

I can’t tell you people how glad I am that organizations like the NFL and news media are taking on this controversy and making a generative response rather than cloaking it in the jock strap of shame.

Any questions?


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