Clozapine REMS Program Under Attack!

Oh my goodness, have you heard the latest about the Clozapine REMS Program? They’re under attack! I see the home page has a new update message.

Clozapine REMS New UpdateCloxapine New Update Message

Can you grasp it? Take a look at the claim:

As of October 21, 2015, based on initial findings, we believe that 844-prefix numbers are potentially being blocked by some organizations’ telecommunication services.
If you are experiencing this problem, in order to contact the Clozapine REMS Program please try using a phone or fax number from a previous registry (listed below). All phone and fax numbers from the previous registries are forwarded to the Clozapine REMS Program.

  • Voice: 800-507-8334
  • Fax: 800-507-8339″

Like that’s plausible! I am astonished. These people will go to any lengths, use any excuse, to avoid simply making a public apology to patients, pharmacists, and prescribers. They need to acknowledge they made mistakes and fix them.

alien grinIt’s ironic but I wonder if what makes them believe they “are potentially being blocked by some organizations’ telecommunication services” might be…paranoia. What are their so-called “initial findings” they mention? Are aliens involved? Is the whole mess a complicated hoax?

Hair Guy ancient-aliens

What if I called and could actually connect with those alternate phone numbers?

Dr. Amos on phoneDr. Amos: Hi, I’ve been trying for over a week and a half now to contact you about all the trouble I’ve been having certifying in the Clozapine REMS Program. What gives?





et-phoneREMS Rep: Hello, I’m E.T. Barnum and I just need to ask a few questions to ensure we’re on a secure line and that you are not a member of an organization that has been blocking us recently. This conversation is being recorded for quality improvement and training purposes for our X-Files. Just who the hell are you?


Dr. Amos on phoneDr. Amos: What the what? Are you kidding? I’m one of the many doctors you guys have been blocking since October 12, 2015. When are you going to fix this hot mess?




et-phoneE.T.: Not so fast, buster. I’ll ask the questions here. Our records indicate you have never publicly denied crowing like a rooster in your skivvies while twiddling your thumbs and balancing on a unicycle in Times Square at 2:00 AM in 1962. Is that true?



Dr. Amos on phoneDr. Amos: Unbelievable…





et-phoneE.T.: I’ll take that as a “no.” You could be in a lot of hot water, Dr. Amos…if that’s your real name, which we doubt.




Dr. Amos on phoneDr. Amos: Is that it? Is that all you’re gonna ask me? Well I got a couple of thousand goddamn questions, you know. I want to speak to someone in charge. I want to lodge a complaint. You have no right to make people crazy! What the hell is going on around here? Who the hell are you people?




et-phoneE.T.: Nice try, but you’re gonna have to do more than quote lines from a movie to convince me you’re not involved in some kind of plot against the FDA.



Dr. Amos on phoneDr. Amos: Look, I’m just trying to certify in the Clozapine REMS Program. Why is this so difficult?





et-phoneE.T.: Where were you on the night of April 16, 1492? Have you recently had a close encounter… A close encounter with something very unusual?




Dr. Amos on phoneDr. Amos: For Pete’s sake, I think I’m having one right now. I wanna speak to the man in charge!





et-phoneE.T.: Hmmm… I see. And just who (or what) is Pete?




Dr. Amos on phoneDr. Amos: OK, let’s get past this. Why can’t I use your website to register? I just get error messages and endless circular loops of directions that lead nowhere. I think you guys are lying to us.




et-phoneE.T.: I would never lie. I willfully participated in a campaign of misinformation.




Dr. Amos on phoneDr. Amos: Aha! Now we’re getting somewhere. Wait a minute; wasn’t that a line from the X-Files?





et-phoneE.T.: How long have you been hearing voices, sweetie pie?




Dr. Amos on phoneDr. Amos: What did you call me?





et-phoneE.T.: Sweaty guy; I said sweaty guy.




Dr. Amos on phoneDr. Amos: What is the point of all this? Could you just tell me what I need to do?





et-phoneE.T.: Trust no one.




There must be a way to solve this problem.



  1. I tried the alternate 800 number above and the recording is no different than what I heard yesterday after calling the 844 number. They ask for my phone number and promise to call me back. I’m still waiting. My faxed paperwork has so far not been acknowledged, much less processed. Colleagues say it could take up to a week because of a backlog.

    Let’s see, it has been 9 days now. The web site remains dysfunctional. I know the system works at times because others have enrolled successfully.

    Good luck 🙂


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