Remember all those gorgeous new socks I got for Christmas? I wear them one day and I have to throw them out because they get holes in the toes. One day! At first I thought it was because I run around all over the hospital including up and down an average of 18 stairs.
But it turns out that can’t be reason. I’ve never gone through socks so fast in my life. I know there’s got to be another explanation. I called Bernie Sanders to see if he had any ideas.
Me: Hey, what’s up Bern?
Bern: I’m in New Hampshire beating the socks off Hillary in the polls!
Me:OK. Speaking of socks, I gotta tell you I’m “berning” through them at a rate of a pair a day. I wear them for one day and I throw them out. What gives?
Bern:It’s elementary; I’ve been studying this issue for decades. The sock industry is rigged.
Bern:No kidding, Jim. It’s a $3 billion dollar racket and completely corrupt–so are the socks! The whole outfit is overrun with shyster billionaire haberdashers.
Hillary: Don’t listen to him, Jim. The real reason your socks are falling apart is part of the conspiracy around Area 51.
Me: Hillary? How did this get to be a party line?
The Don: Hillary, if you’re so smart, tell us what Area 51 has got to do with it. By the way, haberdashers love me; in fact, haberdashers work for me.
Hillary: It’s connected to aliens, Don; everyone knows that! The reason Jim’s socks get holes so quickly is the same reason you men always lose one sock in the laundry.
Obama: Oh yeah, Hillary; what’s the reason?
Me: Where is everybody coming from?
Hillary: The 5th dimension, Barack. It’s well-established in scientific studies. It’s all in the Project Blue Book declassified documents…which are now all on my private email server.
The Don: Of course, the 5th Dimension! They make great music too. “Wouldn’t you like to fly in my beautiful balloon…”
Bern:Down with money!
Hillary: That is why you will never be president, Bernie; you always have this love/hate relationship with money.
The Don: “First you love me, then you hate me; that’s a game for fools. Break up to make up, that’s all we do…” I love that one from the 5th Dimension.
Me: Uh, I think that’s The Stylistics.
The Don: Whatever. Hey, Hillary why don’t you release your inner Bernie? You see how nice I am to you? I’m telling you how to get ahead.
Hillary:I’m just fine, thank you very much, one step at a time.
The Don: Want to buy a hotel? I’ll leave the light on for you.
Obama: Hey, hey, hey; I think it’s great that Hillary is keeping the Affordable Care Act fire Berning (get it Bernie?)
Bern:I am still committed to revolution because evolution is way too slow. Barack, the ACA still doesn’t come close to covering every American. That’s where Medicare for All comes in. Jim, you remember that from the debate a couple of Mondays ago?
Me:Well…I gotta admit I watched the X-Files instead, Bern.
Bern:What the what? What does X-Files have to do with anything?
Me: The third episode actually included a psychiatrist who prescribed clozapine to a sort of lizard man who got bit by a human and became a werehuman. It was a sort of backwards werewolf movie with a few droll observations on the human condition.
The Don: Which would be exactly what?
Me: I’ve already given away the biggest spoiler, Don.
The Don: Werehumans love me! Wanna buy a hotel, Bern? Trillions of dollars mean nothing to him. Ain’t that right, Bern?
Hillary: Stop making fun of Bernie’s progressive tax proposal to fund the national health program which will never see the light of day.
Bern:We could just print more money…
Obama: Gotta run you guys. Hope you get your sock problem fixed, Jim.
The Don: I gotta go, too. I have a hotel to build in Washington, in case I don’t get elected. A guy’s gotta have a place to live.
Hillary: Yes, and right now I have to go hug grandchildren. Can’t you just go without socks?
Me: I don’t think so. Talk to you guys later.
Bern:She’s right, Jim. Socks aren’t everything in life. Have a little revolution!