Socks On The Party Line


Because I wear out all my socks climbing stairs.

New socks for Christmas!

Holey socks

Holey socks!

Remember all those gorgeous new socks I got for Christmas? I wear them one day and I have to throw them out because they get holes in the toes. One day! At first I thought it was because I run around all over the hospital including up and down an average of 18 stairs.

Pedometer and Stairs

But it turns out that can’t be reason. I’ve never gone through socks so fast in my life. I know there’s got to be another explanation. I called Bernie Sanders to see if he had any ideas.

Dr. Amos on smartphoneMe: Hey, what’s up Bern?





Bernie Sanders on the phoneBern: I’m in New Hampshire beating the socks off Hillary in the polls!





Dr. Amos on smartphoneMe: OK. Speaking of socks, I gotta tell you I’m “berning” through them at a rate of a pair a day. I wear them for one day and I throw them out. What gives?




Bernie Sanders on the phoneBern: It’s elementary; I’ve been studying this issue for decades. The sock industry is rigged.





Dr. Amos on smartphoneMe: C’mon Bern…





Bernie Sanders on the phoneBern: No kidding, Jim. It’s a $3 billion dollar racket and completely corrupt–so are the socks! The whole outfit is overrun with shyster billionaire haberdashers.




Hillary Clinton on the phoneHillary: Don’t listen to him, Jim. The real reason your socks are falling apart is part of the conspiracy around Area 51.





Dr. Amos on smartphoneMe: Hillary? How did this get to be a party line?





donald trump on the phoneThe Don: Hillary, if you’re so smart, tell us what Area 51 has got to do with it. By the way, haberdashers love me; in fact, haberdashers work for me.




Hillary Clinton on the phoneHillary: It’s connected to aliens, Don; everyone knows that! The reason Jim’s socks get holes so quickly is the same reason you men always lose one sock in the laundry.




phone Obama_2_flickr_nasa-hq-photObama: Oh yeah, Hillary; what’s the reason?




Dr. Amos on smartphoneMe: Where is everybody coming from?





Hillary Clinton on the phoneHillary: The 5th dimension, Barack. It’s well-established in scientific studies. It’s all in the Project Blue Book declassified documents…which are now all on my private email server.




donald trump on the phoneThe Don: Of course, the 5th Dimension! They make great music too. “Wouldn’t you like to fly in my beautiful balloon…”




Bernie Sanders on the phoneBern: Down with money!





Hillary Clinton on the phoneHillary: That is why you will never be president, Bernie; you always have this love/hate relationship with money.





donald trump on the phoneThe Don: “First you love me, then you hate me; that’s a game for fools. Break up to make up, that’s all we do…” I love that one from the 5th Dimension.



Dr. Amos on smartphoneMe: Uh, I think that’s The Stylistics.





donald trump on the phoneThe Don: Whatever. Hey, Hillary why don’t you release your inner Bernie? You see how nice I am to you? I’m telling you how to get ahead.




Hillary Clinton on the phoneHillary: I’m just fine, thank you very much, one step at a time.





donald trump on the phoneThe Don: Want to buy a hotel? I’ll leave the light on for you.




phone Obama_2_flickr_nasa-hq-photObama: Hey, hey, hey; I think it’s great that Hillary is keeping the Affordable Care Act fire Berning (get it Bernie?)



Bernie Sanders on the phoneBern: I am still committed to revolution because evolution is way too slow. Barack, the ACA still doesn’t come close to covering every American. That’s where Medicare for All comes in. Jim, you remember that from the debate a couple of Mondays ago?




Dr. Amos on smartphoneMe: Well…I gotta admit I watched the X-Files instead, Bern.





Bernie Sanders on the phoneBern: What the what? What does X-Files have to do with anything?





Dr. Amos on smartphoneMe: The third episode actually included a psychiatrist who prescribed clozapine to a sort of lizard man who got bit by a human and became a werehuman. It was a sort of backwards werewolf movie with a few droll observations on the human condition.




donald trump on the phoneThe Don: Which would be exactly what?




Dr. Amos on smartphoneMe: I’ve already given away the biggest spoiler, Don.





donald trump on the phoneThe Don:  Werehumans love me! Wanna buy a hotel, Bern? Trillions of dollars mean nothing to him. Ain’t that right, Bern?




Hillary Clinton on the phoneHillary: Stop making fun of Bernie’s progressive tax proposal to fund the national health program which will never see the light of day.





Bernie Sanders on the phoneBern: We could just print more money…





phone Obama_2_flickr_nasa-hq-photObama: Gotta run you guys. Hope you get your sock problem fixed, Jim.



donald trump on the phoneThe Don: I gotta go, too. I have a hotel to build in Washington, in case I don’t get elected. A guy’s gotta have a place to live.




Hillary Clinton on the phoneHillary: Yes, and right now I have to go hug grandchildren. Can’t you just go without socks?





Dr. Amos on smartphoneMe: I don’t think so. Talk to you guys later.





Bernie Sanders on the phoneBern: She’s right, Jim. Socks aren’t everything in life. Have a little revolution!





Dr. Amos on smartphoneMe: Thanks, man.





Bernie Sanders on the phoneBern: Sure thing. Be the Bern.







  1. Socks bad at 7:30 PM on Feb 5, 2016. Predictable. Long day at the hospital.

    The shoes I wore today, which don’t cause wear and tear on other socks I have.


  2. Socks at 8 AM Feb 5, 2016. Signs of wear visible already after only about an hour.


  3. Socks OK at 7 AM, Feb 5, 2016. Check back later today for the condition of these socks. Toenails clipped to the quick.


  4. We’ve found the best socks are made in Vermont. But they’re expensive, by our budget. End of debate.


  5. Shared on Facebook with the comment that I thought you needed to do a better job clipping your toenails.


    • I wondered if anyone would suggest clipping toenails. I want the world at large to know that I keep my toenails clipped almost to the quick. Besides, I’ve had socks that lasted for years–back when I maybe wasn’t so obsessional about toenail clipping.

      Hope all is well, Kathy 🙂


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